Innocent World by Ami Sakurai

Author:Ami Sakurai [Sakurai, Ami]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Vertical Inc.
Published: 2004-04-07T17:00:00+00:00

IX

Urgent: Seeking Sperm Donor No. 307

Planned Life Research Institute, 1979

“That’s how I sent it to five BBS’s: Nifty, ASCII, PC-VAN, iNET, and Super Links,” Masaki said, turning toward me but still typing rapidly on his keyboard. “That should do it if he’s into computers at all, but if he’s not, then it wouldn’t matter if we posted everywhere.”

“Thanks. If he doesn’t respond I’ll let it go. Don’t worry about it, it’s nothing important.”

I got the idea only because, after feeling faint at a club, I’d grabbed a cab to Masaki’s apartment to sleep there. I was a little worried that our sexual episode might have spoiled our former closeness as buddies. But he acted normal like he didn’t even remember my vagina, how it’d been cold and dry like the desert at night. Probably being considerate in his own way.

We all thought that Masaki had a glass shield up over his heart all the time and that running our fingers along its cool surface was the only way to explore his interior life. If Kaji was the sun, maintaining his equilibrium by releasing energy outward all the time, then Masaki was the moon with his cool of frozen calm and sheen of internal harmony. But I knew that his world wasn’t just death and nothingness; I knew it sought generation and released a barely warm, orange light of its own.

So I let that confession about his childhood sink into the leaden pond of forgetfulness.

I was sometimes getting this annoying metallic ringing deep in my ears that sounded like a tuner. It was two weeks since I’d had a proper meal, plus I barely slept at night. My body was going on a hunger strike.

The fetus inside me couldn’t have been getting any nutrients either, and was probably growing weak. Actually, maybe that’s exactly what I was hoping for.

Lying lazily on the living room sofa, I could hear Masaki using the computer in the next room. Then I remembered Kaori telling me that Masaki had a thing for Kaji: “The way he looks at Kaji is just the way you’d look at a boyfriend. And I think Kaji bats both ways. He seems happier talking to Masaki than to me.”

If that’s the case then fine, I thought. No matter how close you get, you can’t ever actually get there—it’s like trying to peel away all the layers of an onion to get to its core.

When I explained it to Masaki all I said was, “I want to look for somebody, using the internet. Could we try the same BBS we use for Telephux?” Then I told him what I wanted him to say and watched from the side as he wandered from one network to the next. He didn’t pry, but he did seem very curious. Especially regarding the bit about a “sperm donor.”

“You mean a sperm donor for artificial insemination, right? What’s the connection?”

I didn’t really mind telling Masaki. Even if he heard all about the circumstances of my birth

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